godliness with contentment

I am reposting this from 2005. So many of you have read the story of our family which was published by The Homeschool Post a few years ago. Having that background information will explain why I was having such a hard time in 2005. And here it is, 2014, and the trials have not stopped (just moved into different arenas). Welcome to the Human Race – we are all in the same boat!

“In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” Joh 16:33

I am learning through it all, to lay down dreams, expectations, goals, and plans, to take one day at a time, to be grateful for each day as a gift, and every person in my life as a gift. I am learning to be content. God has me in school, and when I graduate, my diploma will read, Godliness with Contentment. It makes me happy just to think of it. ♥ Now, back to 2005:

Over the past year or so, every dream I have ever had for my life has been stripped away from me. Today, a dream I didn’t even realize was a dream, it was so integral to the core of my being, something I cherished since before I can remember any memories as a child, was stripped away also. I believe it is the last dream I continued to cherish.

Conversation with the Lord today:

Him: Do you remember the talk we had last week about _x_ you greatly desired of your husband, but he wasn’t doing?
Me: Yes.
Him: Your dreams, including _x_ today, you greatly desired of Me.
Me: I don’t really want to talk about this.
Him: Do you love Me more than these, My daughter?
Me: That’s why I don’t want to talk about this: I am afraid of the answer to that question.
Him: You are angry with Me for asking _x_ of you.
Me: I am leaving now.
Me, after many hours: What I don’t understand is, why are You taking everything from me? Have I not obeyed You from childhood? Yes, I suppose I am angry, and it doesn’t make me proud to admit it (Note to self: read Job).
Him: Do you love Me more than these, My daughter?
Me: *** silence ***
Him: *** silence ***
Me: My will would say “yes, Lord.” My heart … my heart cannot be trusted right now, I am sorry.
Him: Be comforted, My child. I am with you always, even unto the end of the age.
Me: Thank You. Thank You. Letting go of _x_ has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and I am grateful that You are not angry with me.
Him: ♥