Over the past year or so, every dream I have ever had for my life has been stripped away from me. Today, a dream I didn’t even realize was a dream, it was so integral to the core of my being, something I cherished since before I can remember any memories as a child, was stripped away also. I believe it is the last dream I continued to cherish.
Conversation with the Lord today:
Him: Do you remember the talk we had last week about _x_ you greatly desired of your husband, but he wasn’t doing?
Me: Yes.
Him: Your dreams, including _x_ today, you greatly desired of Me.
Me: I don’t really want to talk about this.
Him: Do you love Me more than these, My daughter?
Me: That’s why I don’t want to talk about this: I am afraid of the answer to that question.
Him: You are angry with Me for asking _x_ of you.
Me: I am leaving now.
Me, after many hours: What I don’t understand is, why are You taking everything from me? Have I not obeyed You from childhood? Yes, I suppose I am angry, and it doesn’t make me proud to admit it (Note to self: read Job).
Him: Do you love Me more than these, My daughter?
Me:
Him:
Me: My will would say “yes, Lord.” My heart … my heart cannot be trusted right now, I am sorry.
Him: Be comforted, My child. I am with you always, even unto the end of the age.
Me: Thank You. Thank You. Letting go of _x_ has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and I am grateful that You are not angry with me.
Him:
This was interesting for me to read. I had a very similar conversation with God last Tuesday night. I've been praying for God to increase my faith and my trust. I'll pray the same for you this week, as well. I will also pray that God will truly work all things together for good, and that His will could include your heart's desire.
with love,
jen
Hi Christine,
I so much appreciate your honesty. You tend to seem "larger than life" because of your "larger than life" website 🙂 so it's very refreshing to read that you struggle like the rest of us who are still in the homeschool trenches.
For the past several years I've been recovering from a devastating chronic illness. When I was diagnosed my oldest of five was almost 9 and my youngest was 2. I have suffered with terrible guilt, frustration, self pity, you name it, in regards to hs'ing being pretty much non existent during all this time. Dh and I have had zero support or help. I am so much better but now I'm struggling with bitterness towards former friends who've walked out of my life, a church who believed I only had a spiritual problem to work through, and anger towards God for allowing this to happen to me in the first place. When I began reading through Reformed books only to read that God actually ordained for this hell to happen to me and my family, I bagged up the books to get rid of them. And my faith suffered tremendously as a result.
Long story but the bottom line is-now I have to find my way back to the faith I had before. I truly believed nothing bad happened to hs'ing moms. Don't we sacrifice so much? Aren't we living such a high calling? God wouldn't let anything bad happen to us or our families…..would He? Everything I believed about Him has been stripped away during this long desert experience. He's not who I thought He was. Now I have the fun work of figuring out who exactly He is.
And I'm not sure I want to know.
Christine,
Thank you so much for this blog, it ministers to be every time I stop by. Many of your posts have touched me so deeply, and I know God is using them to work in my life.
May God's peace and grace be with you.
Karen
God bless you for visiting and commenting and being an encouragement. Thank you for your prayers. It is scary to be honest. So why am I doing it? I guess because I think the Church needs us to be honest. It is the Truth that sets us free. And I am terrible about keeping a diary or a prayer journal, but I love blogging, so this is my little prayer journal on the Internet, I guess. I must be crazy. "Here are my innermost thoughts for the whole world to see!"
Jen, thank you for your prayers. Yes, I do need faith. Perfect love casts out fear, so why, and what am I afraid of losing? I need more faith and trust in the Lord's perfect love for me.
To my dear sister, I will be praying for you to find your way. Maybe not back to where you were, but to where you need to be. I can tell you right now, I do not believe God ordains evil for us. But pain touches us; we live in a fallen world. Like all of us here, I am learning of suffering first hand. I will be posting about this more. His love is sure, even when our love or faith is not.
To Karen, thank you for being such an encouragement, and thank you for your prayers. I appreciate all of you.
With love, Christine
Oh, so beautiful…Thank you for opening your heart.
Ali